i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
