Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
