If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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