I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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