Your face is a jimmy john
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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