u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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