She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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