tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
