saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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