I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
