i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
