drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Too much gin, very little bucket
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
