so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
