genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
