Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize