I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
