My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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