I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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