Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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