So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
