I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
