How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize