I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
