You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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