I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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