My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize