rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
