Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
