we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
