hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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