she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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