God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
