Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
