halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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