I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
