Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
