you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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