in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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