cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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