i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
