6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
