I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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