so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
