You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
