C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
