I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
