my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
