I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
