I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
