my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
