This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
