And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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