i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
