it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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