A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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