I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
