I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
