ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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