peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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