oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
