I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
