hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
