ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
