remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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