Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
