moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
