Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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