Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
