I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
